................................................All ye be of good cheer..im bacckkkk!!!!....................................................

A Happy Mongolian New Year to all....

Now,i dont claim to be a writer of much prowess for the very simple reason that,well,i suck.However should you have reasoned that i haven't been posting regularly, for lack of content to write on,may i take this opputunity to tell you to,"shut the dickens up,you presumptious pest and listen".
But today my point of diatribe is not my return from sabbatical.NO.The point of my incessant raving today is this-..........
Okay fine!!!! I dont have a point,cry me a river!....
Recently i have been spending a considerable amount of time critically evaluating the expertise of Mother dairy and pitting it against its worthy foes Vadilal and Kwality Walls.The fact that this review has had unnegligible side effects on my girth,has been waved aside,for i am willing to make that sacrifice in the service of my nation.
Furthermore whilst i have been engaged in the all consuming task of determining whether chocochip is ready to take on choco-cookie cream(my verdict?..nay)..a no of disturbing things have been moving right along unbeknownst to me.For example i was quietly minding my own business trying to figure out which one was a funnier sounding mineral...potash or feldspar..when i received the first inkling of disaster lurking about sinisterly,if sinisterly is the word im groping for,on the horizon.For you see in the Khan house hold when you hear the master of the house(my mum) say to anyone and noone,"Good idea.."you can be sure that some thing unpleasant in the vicinity of public humiliation, bloodshed,market losses and assorted rashes are sure to follow..
The other day i was in the tub scrubbing a thouroughly wrinkled foot(i had been sitting in there for an hour) singing,if memory serves,"Inky pinky ponkey..father had a donkey" when i was suddenly aware of the presence of the dear ol' coot of the Khan family,my grandfather, oozing about my room..no doubt in hot pursuit of his brandy flask i had previously pilfered..
I ,"ki haal chaal"-ed the ol fiend from the bathroom and asked him his business in my habitat at which he informed me that my grandmothers sisters were in town and would be paying us a visit,therefore he was looking for some marijuana i might have stashed in my socks.
At receiving this little nugget of information the soap shot of my hand.Im not fond of my grand aunts and from what i hear neither is the rest of the Free World.
Now here they were all prepared to infest the household with their tongue clicking and knuckle cracking and "aahaaa...kitna bada ho gaya hai Phahad"-ing,and their snide comments about my obvious lack of facial hair...
I try to be a tolerant man ,i do,but there are three things i hold in the lowest esteem-
1)grand aunts
2)slugs
3)Foodstuffs starting with the word Diet-.....

To get back to my point,if there ever existed such a thing...i had to take evasive action and quick for should these prime specimens of the scum of the gene pool corner me,no doubt questions pertaining to my "edoocasun" and "laedyfrends" were sure to follow..
"i suppose i can get drunk and spend the next few days snoozing ",said the aged relative.
I nodded my head,not much good considering he couldnt see me.
"Were going to have to do something about the annual reunion this year.",declared the ol hoot and followed teh comment up with a few choicy abuses i thought he only reserved for the CPI(Marxist)
I oscillated the noggin once more.I would be lying if i said that at this moment in time i was worried silly
A word about the Khan family reunion....
Its annoying.its irritating and above all...the fucking thing is periodic in nature..i ve never like the damned thing because many if not all of my nastiest memories have happened within 100 meters of this annoying congregation of annoying people who at the time were annoying the dingalings outta me ....
You cant delay bad weather,you cant make gay men go straight and you cant shut humanities students up...very much in the same vein you cant avoid family reunions and believe me i tried...oh lord knows i tried...i remember this one time when i was a kid i told my mom i couldnt attend the festivities because my ovaries were hurting and i promptly clutched my stomach...my mom shoved me off to say the prerequisite "Assalam Alaikum" to the elders..

So there it stood...a young child of 10 forced to bend my pride in front of a host of aunties of varying orders who looked like a bunch of prunes(u do know wat prunes are right??)..very wrinkly gossiply prunes..
I spent the day running around doing errands(fetching dentures,getting hankies that had been left about,sneaking my grandpa hs rum...),basically acting cute...While i heard about some "beta" of some ones who had done a Masters from Harvard or sumthing..(turned out it was Hamdard University...Aunty jee was just showing off)..or some husband who had bought his fat adoring wife a diamond necklace( they were zircons)..or some member of the family who was getting married this weekend and what the groom did("I heard he was serving The United Kingdom and Her Majesty"...he WAS...he was assistant vice-butler)..all these shenanigans ensued ...the lies persisted("ohhh..youve lost so much weight...i just bought a Rolls Royce..he's MY son..you know..)...and the pestilential cousins descencded on my room("FAAHaaaaaaD..."barked me mum..."entertain them ")..
"Entertain them ..entertain them??wat in teh hell do you think i am ..a godammned clown..i wont do it woman and theres nothing you can fucking well do about it!!!!""
My exact wordings were,"Yes mum"..A word to the wise...never..EVER deny a woman who has power of attorney over your bank account.
The cousins came ..they saw..they cracked fart jokes.And i was left wondering how these migits had evaded teh talent scouts of Drexler Home For The Weird ...or some other such institution...
When i came a across a real cutie sitting across me in MY bedroom...17 years of age,all style and elegance ...and hot as hel...but i turned my face way and proceeded to play yet another round of pull my finger with a gaggle of stupid 8 year olds...
"But Fahad..i am shocked and disappointed...why dint yu put teh moves on this chick ..she was obviously as bored as you and who knows ..this could be a good thing.."..
You make a good point..but you forget ,you dumbass,that this was a FAMILY reunion..a place where people you are RELATED to congregate...
Its a strange thing..but much like animals(which my fmaily does to a shicking extent resemble) the entire content of my house were divided into cliques...and had accordingly occupied tehir rooms..
YOu had your..
-Aunties(saree and salwar kameez talking about maids and weddings..two very popular subjects among their age bracket
-Uncles..who downing whiskey liek fish..to numb teh pain presumably..
-The menopausal middle aged women
-The balding middle aged men
-Me
-The Bacha Brigade
When all the pain had passed and the cretin had left the Khan household to crawl back in tehir respective homes..i went back to my room to find Grandpa dearest sitting in my recliner with his eyes glazed over...i deduced he had found teh pot he was looking for....
I went to sleep that night a brokena bruised man..hoping for some renumeration in the form of
Toblerones..etc..i dropped hints and called those less compliant "selfish maggots" to make a point...
so that night i slept with 12boxes of burfi and 3.96 megatonnes of dry fruit(teh cheap bastards) safely tucked ayway in my fridge...
Ah death where is thy sting....
Baron

continuation from last
Now as i have to go apparently Science is not over yet and my mom has not had her tea yet things are dangerously close to CRITICAL....i must go but not without imparting this little nugget of knowledge.... In life chances are every time we turn a corner there's a crisis awaiting us with a warm hug(a crisis is a situation where you can't say" lets just forget the whole thing"-Cole's observation) and while we may comfort ourselves witha tub of Jamoca Almond Fudge during larger crisises we may not do so very often for obvious reasons there fore i have two pieces of priceless thought for you..to provide Karmic relief -Firstly ..I believe it was the all wise Poomba the boar in the Philosophically stimulating Lion King that Oinked"Acunamata"..Which is swahili for.."Really...who gives a shit...you shouldn't" or something to that effect...Ponder over it ...it'll make sense after a while and in times of crisis ..... -Secondly.....If the above piece of philosophy doesn'y work for you apply FADDY'S PROXIMATION....Vis-a-vis..
Whether we suffer from regret (over the things we didn't do)or remorse(over the acts of abject stupidity we did execute) every once in a while we will smile when things go wrong to wronger simply because smiling is subsequently more important than 'things'..And it is for this proximation if nothing tha we may thank Faddy's Proximation -When things go right"Fine"...When things go wrong "Groovy"...and when we are going from nowhere to hopeless oblivion..."I'm out to lunch" Hope this helps in times of utter confusion
PeAcE
bArOn

Gutentaag....
I like think of my self as a connoisseur(yess... got the spelling right!!) of sorts...
-you know food(i've got pizza hut's menu card committed to memory)...
-books(Calvin and Hobbes..the epitome of literature)
-Ummm did i mention food...yeah?..ohh.okay....
-And i almost forgot music...
Anyhoo....i love reading and i frequently carry the thickest books i can find around with me...you makes me look like an intellectual..... and i even have reading glasses...lemme get my new camera and i'll show you a pic...Now sometimes..just sometimes i actually read these books that i carry around....the following is a narration of just one instance of the same .....

Now as we are all only too-bloody-well-aware that life can be exasperating...its something of an enigma ..if i may...I say so because regardless of what we do...of what we say or believe in Lady Luck makes it a point to make sure we have a rough ride ....so much so,that she makes it a point to see how she can screw with 6 billion lives daily....now a while ago(i think in 1995)a very brilliant man named Arthur Bloch came up witha theory or a number of theories that some how explained the global phenomenon of ohh-great-now-what??He has categorised the different bloody frustrating things that happen to make themselves comfortable in our lives...He has explained why thing happen why they don't and most importantly...why they go wrong....I think its a bloody outrage he hasn't been awarded the Nobel Prize...I believe you may have heard of his masterpiece...its called Murphy's Law....

I have of course thrown myself into the world of Murphy's Law and become a full fledged Murphologist...Its not a degree ...no...In fact all it takes to become a murphologist is merely to pick up any one sick joke life likes to play on us(and they are sufficiently numerous..so don't worry)and make a law on it..With the initial success of Murphy's law and the sudden inflow of Murphologists coming out of the closet the book had two sequels...and presently a final edition is coming out...I have made it a point to send in my own insights into the sadistic ironies of life seeing as how i have had more than sufficient first hand experience,as it were....

I have taken the liberty of listing the following Murphy's Laws which seem to me like more sense than Science will ever be...
-Boyle's Law
As soon as you mention something...if its good it doesn't happen if its bad it'll make it a point to do so
-Fahad's Theory
Fat expands to fill any apparel
-James postulate
Success always occurs in private while failure coviniently picks a moment when you are in full public view
-Law of Dynamics of an examination
In the unfortunate event of an examination
1)If preparation is sufficient the results will be inversely dissatisfying
2)If preparation is adequate the results will be accordingly dissatysfying
3)If all the course has been covered with the exeption of a non consequential footnote the footnote will make itself important during the exam in question
4)Any material which has been strenuously revised during preparation will either absent itself from the examination or will discreetly slip out the back door of your cerebrum during the examination when we come to a question involving it
5)Time is relative during an exam...
During a Maths exam it seems the clock is plotting against you
During a computers exam it wants to bore you to the point of suicide

-Consequent law of bio mechanics(also applicable to daily life)
Severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach

continued

Friends..Dipsites..Homies...lend me ur headphones......
For i have something i need to get off my chest.Why??Why does the sun shine?Why do the birds sing??Why am i so idle??There are things in this unverse we acn't justify so we just fucking well accept!!!
Now then getting down to it a little word of comment...The movies as a rule are a gross exagerration of life as we know it...in fact they are such a gross exagerration of life that...that....that im a at a fucking loss for a suitable example....now the thing is many of you will probably argue saying that im overly cynical and that ive just run out of things to complain so now im blowing movies...thats partly true but nevertheless pay attention...
I've noticed that for a while now the like of Pixar studios has been doing a great injustice ...a grave injustice ....first they released The Incredibles and duely robbed me of a Rs.150 fat ones...
then they released all kinds of kid movies knowing full-fucking well that fahad has this annoying brother who strongly resembles a gnat both in figure and nature...the really shitty thing is they know full well that i pay for my cuz-bro's little pixar addiction....shit...shouldn't have had all that pepsi caffechino....my brains hotwired ..even more fuzzed up than usual......
Getting back to my point...which was...umm....wait i know this one.....yea!!!yea!!!...there are a lot of things in movies which are seriously misleading...you know like how the good guy wins always ...the heroine the hero rescues who everybody thinks is ugly,actually looks like a bloody supermodel......To further elucidate this shaky stand allow me to elucidate....

-Universal Studios released the movie hitch which as we all have felt was a real warm-and-fuzzy-and-cute-and-feel-good-movie...but as is expected of me i found not only a hundred faults but came away reasonably depressed...For example have you noticed how Will Smith acts soo suave in the bar when he first meets Eva Mendes and assaults her with these corny sort of sherlock holmes deductions that a blind Cuban could make......did i mention these were extraordinarily corny...But noooooo....Its Will Smith so naturally the hot hispanic lady smiles and thinks he's cute but If i were to try that...she would look at me for a second gobsmacked and then tear into uncontrollable laughter..Then of course there is exhibit b...You know the fat guy in the movie who has a crush on the really rich slim chick??Yeah well it turns out that this RICH SLIM chick apparently has this thing for the fat guy who presently was unemployed(got fired )
clumsier than a chimp at a bypass surgery and reallyalll in all the guy is a pretty big chump...but
yet she finds him cute and stuff...and YET here i am still in a twist because Ms X. does in fact not
have a secret crush on the lovable chimp in this context (me u idiots).......
I rest my case....will i get justice...i dunno...will the pope ever get a colored mohawk???

-Movies have a nasty habit of pulling the nastiest stunt possible...Giving people hope and then the second the said people walk out of the theatre guess what that hope is about as gone as the ...as the..as the ....as the wind(hey its hard coming up with these metaphors)
Like have you ever noticed how in Bollywood movies the hero can stop an entire platoon by himself..shit...we could have won WW2 by ourselves if we had a battalion of Sunny Deols......
And then of course the thing i hate the most about movies is how just when the director gets plot constipated ..we have a nice super color sequence where every one you meet on the street apparently so much idle time that on their way to the office they can manage do a jig with you on the way...don't worry they already know the steps so u just dance and they'll hang on after u like a bunch of spastic platypusses......and it doesn't end there...no..no..in fact if you wind up at home everybody at your place is all dresseed up just walking around the premises like a bunch of distressed souls...and have you ever wondered how they are all immaculately dressed finished with eye shadow, silicone..the whole nine yards....and how all the Daughter-in-laws are inherent bitches who have a snide comment for all occasions..Another thing...you can always make out the seriousness of a situation by the tempo of the background music..like when the music is at a crescendo,you know some shit is going down...and one last thing.....in Hollywood the parents are always so cool with their son or daughter going to pool parties and having the most goddamned perfect rooms with awesome computers...the kids are all apperently great at studies or are so popular and good sportsmen and how each and every fucking one of them has six pac ...and how the fucking kids are all lifesize Barbie and Ken dolls and they apparently are so faithful to each other.....And if you are not doing too well in sports or if you flunk every exam...all it takes is a inspiring soundtrack to make you the best at every thing...one chorus of" ima survivor" and the next thing you know the fat guy has a six pac...the braces are off the thick glasses have been trashed...the stupid goon is now a fucking topper...It doesn't happen...Believe dat
And now for the finale....Movies always....and i emphasise this...ALWAYS...have a happy ending....

Let me warn you off a couple things...Life is NOt fair...Your parents are Not cool with you having a girlfriend...there is no soundtrack in life (okay maybe a funeral march )....the girl you have a crush on does in fact not have a crush on you too ...and above all.....
Life Does Not Have A Happy Ending......People die...shit happens....Its not easy to make it to the top..friends are not as true as they are in the movies...they won't back you up no matter how much care for them...it means nothing
Life is not easy....I ignored that fact....I've Learnt it the hard way.......
Peace
Baron
Ps Daaaamn that felt good

Good Day Ladies and Gentlemen...and those who wish to align themselves differently....
Now as much as i like blogging just for the fun of it,i would like very much to take a moment to settle a few misconceptions...Not very important things,just the sort of stuff that makes you wanna tear your hair out in frustration...That sorta stuff...I would like very much for all of you to note the following things because im not going to repeat my self..(this is just big talk...I LOVE repeating myself)..
Since the unfortunate day of 21-04-1990 my life has been one less ordinary...it would be incorrect to say I have walked a different path primarily because i have been pretty much stationary since that fateful day...However one might say im lymphatic..though many of you out there would no doubt concur,believe it or not im not lymphatic in fact behind that semingly dull exterior the cogs and sprockets are hard at work..Im losing my point again..Rite!!
I can take a lot of things..i can take studying pointlessly for hours on end...i can take having Ms X ignore and never call once..i can take an ant in my pants but i'll tell you what i can't take...
missing lunch??yeah that too but more importantly i can't take being misunderstood..So lisen up while i clear up matters (though chances are i'll muddle it up beyond comprehension)
.....
1.Now i honestly never expected this crystal clear little nugget of information to be misconstrued but there are always people who can do it..("Thats the thing about fools...they're sooo goddamned ingenius"-Boyle's Law)..
Im going to put this in red (since i can't scream in print)
IM NOT PARSI....Fahad is a perfectly normal Islamic name..i agree its not as good as my original name Gabriel(my mom changed her mind for some obscure reason)..but that does not mean im Boman Irani's son..Just because i have a one pac instead of a six pac...Humphfff...

2.Im NOT ALWAYS HUNGRY...Just most of the Time...Im a food connisseur(sanj..is that how you spell it??)i LIKE food is that a crime????Well???HUNH?HUNH??...Thats what i thought..
While we are on the subject...I would also like to convey to my chums that im not fat or out of shape for that matter...ohh shut up its not that funny...i've been fucking well working out and have been on a water diet (again i make a reference to you sanj..much obliged)Though im not exactly Paul Walker Chances are you won't recognise me now...MUAHAHAHA(evil laughter)..
Thirdly i NEVER was fat ..my shirt gets poofy..thats all there was to it..It was an optical illusion.

3.Thirdly and perhaps most importantly ..you people have got ta stop putting up all kinds of unsightly creatures in the post of her reverence Ms X....Most of the people are potential candidates for Euthanasia..poor girls ...a face like that lets have mercy on them how can they live?I mean its because of people like them more and more men are going gay...Men get disillusioned..
Now many of you would say (Fahad,why don't you just tell us who Ms X. is??)
Very well i will acquiese...So lisen up you guys and stop asking
Five important factors which made me fall head-over-heels-over-head-again about Ms X are..
NOTE:Im Suspending the hilarity beacause i wish not speak of her so lightly

1.She's Different...Like not the big glasses and ponytails different...thats pitiful not different..she
has a quality which no other girl i've ever met possesses...She's classy....She's not a snob..just above everyone else...She has a grace that is damn near impossible to match

2.This is sumthing that struck me when i got to know her a little better...she has this amazing voice that not loud and not soft...sorta the thing The SIRENS did in Ulysses...When i first heard Enya(NOW she has a gorgeous voice)during Lord Of the Rings soundtrack(May it be-Enya ...lisen to it)..i was shocked at how similar it was to the way Ms x. sings...There are of course a lot of wannabe's in school who try it...Poor old short Mrigakshi..she tries so hard...of course most of them come out sounding like a stuffed frog with laryngitis..Seriously..download enya's song-May it be....it sounds a lot like her

3.The way she walks is surreal.....She sort of bounces when she walks but she doesn't ....
its strange...its like..." she walks on a cloud of rain whose soft dew falls in her shadow like diamonds shining yet with her"-Levios Artey...i can't put it any other way...

4.Okay i won't deny that there is the obvious thing of physical beauty...She could sing like a nightingale and walk like a princess but if her face resembles a horse im heading for the high hills.....But ms X...naw she has this face...that sort of shoots of light ...a disco ball if you will..no actually thats a bad comaparison..ummmm.....ohh yeah!! a moon..thats it a moon...and her face soesn't shine it sort of lumineces...and she's probably what michaelangelo had in mind when he sculpted Venus except she's not that chubby..but yeah..same "Vision of Beauty " idea
Scuse the lang but im lissening to enya while im typing...you can't help but turn poetic try it!! 'May it be' ....thats the song..among others..

5.Finally she's Ms X.No Less No more

im really sleepy...i gotta snooze (thats a cool word)....SNOOZE ...yeah sounds smooth
Snooze amigos
BaRoN

Human Emotional Weirdness
I wish to express(as any fellow martian will tell you) that humans as a whole are an idiotic race of organisms and quite a waste of organic matter..I my self being but a visiting dignitary from the redplanet (have witnessed and oft fallen prey to the irritating phenomenon of human emotions.Its not so much the emotion that annoys but the stupid things i do when i feel those emotions.As I am truly intruiged by this phenomenon(and because im mind-bogglingly idle)i have taken the liberty to catalogue the strangest of human emotions ie:LOVE ......I have not catalogued other emotions like hate and lust et al coz even we on mars get frequently pissed and occasionally horny(scuse the language but im trying to make a point)...okay...here we go
LOVE
Love ...eww.it feels slimy coming of the tongue(im sorry but while i admit to being egotistical odd and oft a real insensitive bastard i draw the line being goopy)Of course there are all types of lovebut im referring to the kind between a guy and the fairer sex...you know the kind thats heralded with hot flashes(not the menopausal type),tongue tying and acts of abnormal stupidity....Everywhere in the world there are the weird and the weirder.Which is what brought me to this planet in the first place...wait...i forgot my point...oh yeah!!All through school i've had a crush on a girl a year..not a bad average i'd say.How many were fruitfull???Lets just sweep that figure under the carpet..My first crush was on this girl in the first grade who used to say "Excuse-me" in the cutest way(Don't look so surprised i told you im idle).That and she was the only girl in 1st who DID'NT have a Barbie backpack..of course as soon as i told her about her appeal she promptly went and bought herself one.So that was a blowout...Then came second...Not much of a crush to mention, except maybe camel glitter pens(....soo shiny)With third came cartoon network...Of course i did the stupidest thing possible and developed a crush on the following-
1.The Russian Babe in Captain planet
2.The Red Head in Johnny Quest WAIT...stop laughing there's more.It was Betty And Veronica in sixth (i was young....don't judge me)......Then I managed to strighten out and it was (and is )Naomi Watts in 7th...Allison Mack in the beginning 8th(the blonde from smallville)..Then It came to pass that i came across MS X (refer to my second blog)......SIGH....A word about Ms X.The most amazing,smart,cool,not to mention Drop-dead-and-wop-your-head gorgeous creature this side of Daniela Hantuchova's house The Elusive and (thankfully) unknown ms X has the strangest and what doctors describe as medically baffling effect on me.When im anywhere within a half mile radius of her i start acting weird("But Fahad you act weird all the time" you say??True but this time more so)When she sashays her way pasti go blue,green,red and what my friends call 'orangish-yellow'.My heart could bloody well short circuit an ECG.Its Not hard to make out when she's nearby..i start acting loopy and i suddenly become all formal and not my usually 'you-know-what-see-if-i-give-a-fuck' self..I become all nice and keep my swearing to a minimum...not that its my choice really...Like on NOV 14 when she wore these really cool pants i wanted to say "really nice pants u look dynamite"I,of course wound up saying"reallymfffghtiidiyuoo"...Then there is the question of image portrayal...should i be the warm-kooky type or the suave-smooth type so i settle for the strange-confused type..But of course as many of you gung -ho punks out there would say "ARREY YAAR......just bolo her
"i would like to ..very much soo except of course im scared i might get the look ...oh you don't know the look ???...you know the kind that throws at you like you're something that climbed out of the drain of a particularly objectionable nature...Not That i expect her swoon and faint of me either but.......... GULP(that was me swallowing a LOT of Pride).......im not Exactly Brad Pitt.......Of Course i may have omitted to mention that we share what any outsider would undeniably label a warm relationship but there's a catch ...she has a similarly warm realtionship with every body she knows.....JYYYUUUUUSSSST great......Now what?????Ohhh Yeah One More Thing she used to have this annoying Boyfriend whom i will hereafter refer to as SOF or STUPID OBNOXIOUS FUCKER...now this guy is as you may have guessed from his description is a STUPID OBNOXIOUS FUCKERwho is as annoying as a mosquito when you have a hearing aid on....Not that he bothers me these its just that a stupid obnoxious fucker got her and ...you gessed i have as much a chance as with her as i do having a day without some sort of screw up(which might i add is VERY low in-fucking deed)Now many would ask....the vital omni-important question of "when's lunch "...that's the question on my mind any way..(oh yeah i already had lunch..whoops )Look i gotta scram..if you read this blog leave a comment..yes even you JD
PeAcE ComPaDreS
BARON